Most of us go through life hoping to meet the one person that will become the life partner with whom we live happily ever after. It might take one relationship or more, but deep inside we know a perfect partner is waiting for us somewhere in the world. We only need to embark on a quest to find him or her.
Armed with a long wish-list of characteristics that we want in the other person, we set on our journey. We morph into social butterflies. We put on our best seductive masks and we go on hopping from one hobby to another and from one social network to the next while at night we are swiping right and left on Tinder or Bumble . We can’t take chances.
The result many times can be disappointing – few frustrating dates or a long term relationship but with traumatizing consequences.
Why do we keep attracting the wrong people!
Did we miss defining one of the crucial characteristics that we needed in the partner? or did the law of attraction fail us? Or maybe we still don’t know how to do powerful visualizations to manifest our dreams! Or maybe we still didn’t tap into the right network!
The reality is, though human beings go into relationships for different reasons, one hidden subconscious motivation is common for all. We get with another to sort out our own stuff.
I personally believe that life is not random and that we come to this life in order to grow and evolve as spiritual beings. This implies that all our experiences in life are meant to take us to a higher level of consciousness.
Relationships are our mirrors, they are our growth playfields and are an honest reflection of our internal world.
We attract people at our same level of consciousness.
I forgot where I read this but it was one of those aha moments. People get furious whenever I raise this point in a conversation. It’s much more comforting to say that the other person was a villain and that we were victims of our naïve romantic hearts and good intentions.
When I started examining my previous relationships and why did I attract another person and during which phase in my life, I started learning a lot about my own self. My real needs and the subconscious beliefs that shaped my choices back then became apparent.
I have to admit, it was a very tough exercise.
However, as part of my commitment to radical truth and to accepting 100% responsibility for any situation I created instead of showing up as a victim, I welcomed the discovery.
Few years back I was in a relationship that caused me enormous pain that I thought would keep my heart broken forever. I was already on a spiritual path so what I attracted was a relationship that would break me open and that would show me hidden parts of my psyche that were eager to see the light and to heal.
In trying to understand the co-dependency in “the other”, for the first time I recognized my own codependency patterns.
Going through the breakup sobbing day and night and singing in despair “Tell me how can I live without you” forced me to read a bit of psychology to understand that enormous pain. Another shocking discovery! Seems what I was idealizing as a strong passion towards another was in-part an expression of an unhealthy attachment style. Though it is the type of passion that gives the spice for most of the romantic movies and songs, psychologist tells us it doesn’t come from a healthy place. People with insecure attachments attract another with the opposite insecure attachment style in order to keep the fire of passion ignited.
Tracing back my insecure attachment to how it began, was a very uncomfortable journey to meet the child within.
There was a reason why I attracted that man at that stage, we were the perfect match for where we were in our lives.
I attracted the catalyst that I needed to see more clearly my internal world, and he did too.
Attracting the right partner for a joyful and a meaningful relationship is a journey inward.
The reality is that it doesn’t take much external effort to meet a partner with whom you can enjoy a good relationship.
Most of the couples that are happy in their relationships tell stories of how unexpected it was to meet someone at that stage in life and how simple it was. Usually it’s the time when they were least interested in meeting a partner while also they were emerged in a deep personal healing journey.
It’s that time in life when they felt they were quite aware and comfortable with who they really are. The time when they made peace to a large extent with their own shadows and discovered their light.
People are our mirrors and those we attract into our lives tell much more about who we are rather than who they are.
If you are struggling with relationships, go inward and ask yourself few questions:
- What type of partners have I been attracting? Is there a common story?
- What are they mirroring back to me?
- Who do I become when I am in a relationship? Do I lose myself? Do I compromise my own power just to be in a relationship? Do I try to manipulate and to play power games?
- Do I expect to serve or to be served? Whose needs are more important?
- What do I know about my self-worth?
- What stories am I using to justify being in a relationship though deep inside I know I shouldn’t?
- Am I willing to open my heart and be vulnerable to allow another into my internal world or does it feel unsafe?
- What is my relationship with my mother? What is my relationship with my father? Which one of those two relationships do I keep reliving and trying to heal in my new relationship? Who am I mirroring of the two? Who am I still trying to get approval from?
This is not an exhaustive list, these questions reflect some of the parts of my psyche that I had to work with in order to clear the way to attract a meaningful relationship. Your own journey might be different.
Finding a partner is an inward journey of vulnerability, brutal honesty with oneself mixed with vast openness to possibilities that go beyond what our mind can rationalize.
Image: Love Sculpture by Alexander Milov. Photo credits: thestevenjames